Journeys of a Catholic Poster Girl

Talking about new religious avenues for myself over here.

Everyone has crises of faith, doubts about their lives, their vocations, what God wants from them.

Yesterday was one of those days for me. I had gone to my faith sharing group and we had discussed things like submitting to the will of God, rejoicing in His plan for us, etc. And I kept thinking, “Well what if you desire something–something good, and holy–and you STILL don’t get it? What are you supposed to do then?”

I’ve wanted to be a wife and mother as long as I can remember. I think one of my professors in college had a heart attack when I told her that that’s what I wanted and I wouldn’t be going to law/grad school. It’s what most of the women in my life have done–my aunts, my friends’ mothers, etc. I want that kind of life.

But I also want to be a sister. I feel the calling, the attractiveness of that life. And of course the retreat next month will help me discern more clearly what I feel about this.

But what if I don’t get either? What if the convent doesn’t want me (or doesn’t think I fit) and I never get married? Why do I have these desires in me if they can’t be fulfilled?
So I was a little distraught about all this.

Today, I saw at least three different roses on three different occasions. Yup, I guess God is listening to me–a little.

Please, all of you in blogger land:

please pray for me and for the order I am contacting, that they will be open to the idea of giving me a chance to try my vocation with them, even with my crazy health history!

I have never felt so strongly drawn to anything as I have to this order.

Jesus and Mary, pray for me!

I just called a convent and left a message inquiring about a vocation retreat.

To paraphrase, “God must be crazy.”

From Adoro:

…discernment is not a job search. Hard work may be required, but more importantly, prayer is needed. Good research may be needed and helpful, but if God is excluded from the search and discernment becomes all about qualifications, it ain’t gonna happen.

Yet I could not keep that tendency to want to be in the driver’s seat out of my discernment, so God used that as a lesson for me; every time I wanted to do something, like go on a Search and Discover retreat, or go visit a couple communities for a discernment retreat, it wouldn’t work out!

And I knew that as things weren’t working, I needed to slow down. I realized I was trying to be in charge, but God was trying to tell me to stop and listen, not charge full-steam ahead. So I listened, and I backed down, having an interior knowledge that the time wasn’t right.

Go read the whole thing.